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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22764196">Blast Radius</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightmyway/pseuds/lightmyway'>lightmyway</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bottom Dean Winchester, Cabin Fic, Canon Divergent after Season 11, Caretaker Dean Winchester, DCRB 2020, Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2020, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Angst, No British Men of Letters (Supernatural), Self-Sacrificing Castiel (Supernatural), Smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:15:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,834</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22764196</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightmyway/pseuds/lightmyway</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's life is spiraling ever since Mary's recent abandonment.  His mind races through all he's lost, and the only way to quell it is to work.  Months of relentless hunting with little planning is driving Sam, Cas, and Dean to exhaustion, but Dean will not stop.  He rushes head first into each hunt, getting more reckless with each passing day.  The lack of planning finally catches up to them when Dean leads the three of them to a farmhouse without heeding any warnings.  Warnings that would have told him it was a trap.  About to be surrounded, Cas makes a rash decision to clear their way.  With Cas gone, blasted who knows where, Dean and Sam begin their search.  Eventually, Dean's search leads him to the Crazy Mountains in Montana in the dead of winter.  Finding Cas and caring for him is the priority.  What he didn't know was he might just find himself in the process.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>175</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I was so lucky to work with <a href="/users/Angel_Tortured/">Angel_Tortured</a>.  The art is beautiful, and I was so pleased to be selected for it.  Angel let me run with my ideas and encouraged me as I sent him each chapter.  Thanks Angel.  <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23115709">Art Masterpost</a> </p>
<p>Thanks to the mods for hosting this challenge and thanks to my friend who prefers to remain anonymous for beta'ing this at the the eleventh hour.</p>
<p>Hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p>As he stood in the doorway of the room which had become a sanctuary to him after years on the road, he looked at the mess of books on the shelf behind the bed and the small desk pressed up against the wall to his left, and he itched to leave.  It was a buzzing under his skin, making it crawl with the need to escape.  The space no longer offered comfort and feelings of home.  The bunker had gone from a place of safety and security to one filled with negative energy and a series of bad memories.  For weeks, he had pushed them to leave, to hunt, to stay on the road away from the place and the feelings it stirred in his gut.  He knew it was irrational and wouldn’t solve the issue but running at least kept those memories at bay.  It pained him to think that one event could bring them all back and taint the only place he had ever called home in his adult life. </p>
<p>Those memories had a way of filtering in as he passed through the myriad of halls and rooms in the bunker.  Memories of Kevin and his burnt-out eyes.  Of Sam possessed by the angel Dean had trusted out of desperation.  Memories of shooting a young man for know reason except what he may become in the future.  Of giving into the Mark of Cain and beating Cas nearly to death.  Memories of the pain lancing his heart when he realized Lucifer resided inside his best friend.  Memories of his mother newly arrived but unable to stay.  Of watching her walk out the door without a backward glance.  The last was the one tipping it all over the edge, leading to the deluge of shame, regret, fear, and grief.  Being on the road shoved those images aside.  Focusing on the case helped center his mind as nothing else could.  Liquor numbed it, but hunting diverted it.  Being back in this space, in this room, brought it all back. </p>
<p>The box of pictures shoved into the bottom drawer of his desk, hidden and out of sight, but not forgotten.  The images which once brought him solace, now only reminded him of loss and abandonment.  As so often happened in his life, what was to be a treasured gift had turned sour and hurtful.  The intention to reward was there when God’s sister returned his mother to him, but in the end, it was a punishment.  Years ago, Cas had said something similar about his own resurrections as each became more painful than the last.  The thought of Cas drove out the thoughts of his mother.  Worry for his friend replacing the anger he felt at his mother.  Lucifer no longer possessed the angel, but the damage remained.  Dean couldn’t get a straight answer as to what precisely that damage was so he was left to wonder, filling his mind with worst-case scenarios.  Seeing the angel drift into sleep or chow down a burger were signs but clearly did not tell the whole story.  And trying to get Castiel, angel of the Lord, to talk was about as successful as getting Dean Winchester, the righteous man, to talk.  Dean huffed out loud, shaking his head.  Dwelling on it when his skin was already crawling served no purpose.  Dean spun on his heel and bid a hasty retreat out of his room.</p>
<p>Entering the library, he made right for the bar, filling a tumbler with whiskey.  Leaving the bottle behind for once, he walked across the room and dropped into a chair.  Within seconds, he had his head buried in his laptop searching for another case.  The whiskey was gone before he even finished reading the first article.  As he went to stand, the sound of footsteps drew his attention.  Without looking, he knew the angel was entering the room.  “Want one?” he asked, holding up his glass and pushing back from the table. </p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>The gruff, curt reply did not surprise Dean in the slightest.  He knew Cas was irritated with him over his obsessive need to find the next case.  Having already been run ragged for the past two months, seeing Dean hovered over his laptop, preparing to drag them on the road again, was obviously triggering Cas’s frustration.  Dean didn’t want to think about it so he poured himself another drink, bringing the bottle back to the table with him.  Staring at the brown liquid in his glass before downing it, his mind brought up images of his father.  His obsession to hunt down the yellow-eyed demon who killed Mary, dragging his two sons along without a second thought.  The nights he watched his father drink himself into a stupor.  <em>I’m just like him</em>, he thought. </p>
<p>“No, you are not.  You share similar vices, but there is a very significant difference.  You always put others first.  You always put Sam first.”</p>
<p>“What the fuck, Cas?  Get out of my head.”</p>
<p>“I’m not in your head.  You’re hurling your feelings all over the bunker.”  Cas approached the table, resting his hand on the back of Dean’s chair.  “Dean, you are a good man.”</p>
<p>“Shut up, Cas,” snapped Dean.  “Why aren’t you in bed?”</p>
<p>The chair next to Dean slid out as Cas went to take a seat, facing Dean.  “I do not require sleep.”</p>
<p>“Could have fooled me?”</p>
<p>Cas rolled his eyes.  “Fine, I don’t need regular sleep.”</p>
<p>“What’s with that anyway?  The sleeping and eating and…”  Dean’s voice trailed off, unable to describe the other changes he had noticed.  “And no hedging this time.  Tell me what is going on with you, with your grace.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Bullshit.  You may not know everything, but you know something.”</p>
<p>With a resigned sigh and deep frown, Cas relented.  “When Lucifer…when he took control, I knew I needed to maintain some measure of autonomy.  I didn’t want him to have access to all my grace, so I hid it.  Buried it.  He used this body and a portion of my grace, but I couldn’t allow him to taint more of me.  And now…”  Cas’s voice faded away as a look of sadness swept over his face.  “I didn’t want to worry you.”</p>
<p>“And you didn’t think I’d worry when you fell asleep or begged to go through a drive-thru.  Or how about when you’re healing mojo craps out.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I couldn’t heal Sam.”</p>
<p>Dean closed his eyes and sighed.  “That is not what I meant.”  After running his hand down his face in frustration, he opened his eyes and stared at the angel.  “I was talking about your inability to heal yourself, and the fact you seem to ignore that detail and fight as if you still can.” </p>
<p>Cas rocked back in his chair, pushing away from the table and Dean.  He stood up and walked a few feet away, looking toward the exit. </p>
<p>“Don’t you dare,” Dean warned, through clenched teeth.  “We are talking this out, now.”</p>
<p>Cas’s shoulders drooped, and his head dropped forward.  Without conscious thought, Dean stood up and approached Cas.  He stood at his friend’s side, brushing their shoulders together.  After several seconds Cas said, “I can’t always access the full extent of my grace and even when I can, it often falters.  I deliberately hid it, but now it seems to shy away all on its own.”</p>
<p>“Why?” Dean asked quietly, unwilling to disrupt the intimate moment with his usual demanding tone.</p>
<p>“I assume it doesn’t want to come in contact with the remnants of Lucifer’s grace.”</p>
<p>Pain laced across Dean’s chest, and his breath caught.  “Wait, are you saying you have some of his grace inside of you?  Is that what you meant when you said you were tainted?”</p>
<p>“Dean, you know angels leave some of themselves behind when they vacate a vessel.  With the power and nature of an archangel, it stands to reason that what they leave behind would be more invasive and harder to compartmentalize.  And we have no idea how my being an angel in a body created solely for me affects this process.  But from what I feel…there is always this low thrum of his grace, and then it surges.  It feels like it is trying to entwine with my grace, trying to subdue me.”</p>
<p>Dean’s first instinct was to yell at Cas for not sharing this information sooner.  He pushed those thoughts aside and focused on the problem at hand.  “So, that’s why your mojo is so hit or miss.  It’s still trying to protect itself from Lucifer.”</p>
<p>“In essence, yes.”</p>
<p>Gripping Cas by the elbow, Dean directed him back to their chairs.  “Okay.  We’ll figure this out.  Together.  We should probably talk to Sam since he was Lucifer’s vessel.”</p>
<p>“I already discussed this with Sam.  He has-”</p>
<p>Cutting Cas off, Dean let his anger seep into his voice.  “You what?”</p>
<p>Leaning back in his chair, Cas eyed Dean with wariness.  “Dean, it isn’t what-”</p>
<p>“You were not just about to tell me it isn’t what I think.”</p>
<p>“Yes, in fact, I was because for some reason, you get ‘bent out of shape’ when I talk to someone other than you.”</p>
<p>The air quotes were so typical of Cas they almost made Dean smile, but he squashed that response with another bout of indignation.  “Well, if you wouldn’t keep me out of the loop, I wouldn’t get pissed at you.”</p>
<p>“I’m too tired to argue with you about this.  I talked to Sam about his experiences with Lucifer not my own.  And, from that, I learned he did not feel Lucifer’s grace.  His torment was about the torture he suffered in the cage, not the internal presence of Lucifer’s power.  I can only conclude the intermingling and warring of two graces is causing the malfunction in mine.”</p>
<p>“If you knew all this, why didn’t you tell us, tell me.”</p>
<p>“Because I have no solution, and I have no idea what happens next.  Why worry about something none of us can control or fix?”</p>
<p>This time Dean let himself smile.  “When has that ever stopped us?  We always figure this shit out.  What we don’t do is quit?”</p>
<p>“All right, Dean.  But not tonight, it seems simply talking about his grace wears me out.  I’m going to bed.”</p>
<p>Dean reached out and patted Cas’s hand.  “You do that, but this conversation is not over.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Cas said, using his free hand to squeeze Dean’s.  As always, that simple touch filled Dean with warmth.  They didn’t touch often, but when they did, it was filled with meaning and a connection Dean struggled to explain to himself.  It had grown over the years, deeper and more centered, more present.  <em>A profound bond</em>, Cas had called it.  Dean had never spent much time thinking about those words, but recently he had begun to wonder.   His overarching fear and desperation when Cas was missing and possessed by the devil could not be ignored or shelved.  It had felt as if a part of him was gone, missing right along with Cas.</p>
<p>“Dean.”</p>
<p>The use of his name drew him out of his errant thoughts.  “What?”</p>
<p>“I said goodnight.”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah, goodnight, Cas.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After Cas left, Dean couldn’t shake their conversation.  It ran on a loop until he distracted himself searching for cases.  By the time Sam woke up and joined him in the library, Dean was on his fourth cup of coffee, with a list of potential cases. </p>
<p>“Did you get any sleep?”</p>
<p>“Nah, too much to do.”  Dean gestured at the table in front of him.  “I found us a case.  I’ll go get the sleeping angel.  Go get ready.  We’re leaving in an hour.”  Dean hurried out of the room before Sam could object.  There was plenty to object to and Dean knew it.  He also knew he needed out of the damn bunker.  All the talk about Lucifer made his mind provide image after image of Cas.  <em>No, not Cas</em>, he thought.  The fucking devil wearing Cas’s face and body, distorting it, tarnishing it with a sneer and a smarmy voice.  He needed to talk to Sam about the situation with Cas and start researching, but Dean figured he could do that on the road.  No need to stay in the bunker with reminders around every corner.  As he made his way to Cas’s room, he shifted his focus to the task at hand. </p>
<p>The door to Cas’s room opened as Dean lifted his hand to knock.  “Good morning, Dean.”</p>
<p>“Mornin’ sunshine.”</p>
<p>“I take it you found another case.”</p>
<p>Dean shook his head at the deadpan delivery.  “It is our job, ya know.  Saving people, hunting things.”</p>
<p>Cas raised an eyebrow at Dean, staggering back a step.  “Our job?”</p>
<p>Rolling his eyes, Dean said, “Yes, moron.  Cas, angel slash hunter, get your crap together.  We’re leaving in less than an hour.”</p>
<p>“I don’t have any crap.”</p>
<p>Having started down the hall, Cas’s words halted Dean’s steps.  “Hmmpf.  Uh…I guess It’s about time we changed that, especially if you’re grace is going to be all wonky.”  His voice came out sounding strange, and it made him feel equally weird.  Clearing his throat, he brushed it off with a snarky comment.  “Can’t have you stinking up my baby.”</p>
<p>Responding with a huff, Cas brushed past Dean, disappearing before Dean even resumed walking.  “Cranky angel,” Dean muttered as he made his way to his own room.  He rushed through his morning routine and quickly headed to the kitchen.  His stomach was rejecting all the coffee he had consumed on an empty stomach.  Despite his need for food, he stopped short of entering, hardly believing what he was seeing.  “What the hell?  You can cook?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Dean.  Why is that so surprising?  I was human once.”</p>
<p>Guilt immediately smacked Dean in the face.  “I’m sorry-”</p>
<p>“Dean Winchester everything is not about you and your guilt.  Not all of being human was bad, and you have already apologized and I forgave you.  Please, try to forgive yourself for once.”</p>
<p>“Fat chance,” scoffed Sam as he stepped around Dean, making a beeline for the coffee pot and the plate Cas was holding out to him.  “This looks good.  Thanks, Cas.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome, Sam.”  Cas smiled up at the younger Winchester before turning his gaze back to Dean.  “Are you going to come in and eat?  As I recall, you were the one who said we were in a hurry.”  Without a word, Dean crossed the room and took two plates from Cas, carrying them to the table, while Cas grabbed two cups of coffee. </p>
<p>“Tell us about the case,” said Sam once they were all seated. </p>
<p>“Eat now, talk on the way.”</p>
<p>“Fine, but at least tell us where we’re going.”</p>
<p>“Walnut Grove, Minnesota.”</p>
<p>“As in <em>Little House on the Prairie</em>.”</p>
<p>“Yes, Sammy.”  Dean chuckled, remembering Sam’s obsession with the Ingalls family.  “Man, you loved those books as a little kid.”</p>
<p>Sam ignored Dean, returning his attention back to his plate.  They finished the meal, cleaned up, and hit the road in relative silence.  About thirty minutes into the drive, Dean broke the silence.  “Sam, we need to start researching archangel grace.  And before you ask a zillion questions, it’s for Cas.  His grace is all fucked up because of Lucifer’s grace.”</p>
<p>Dean felt Sam shift in his seat, turning to face the backseat.  “That’s what all those questions were about.  You can feel his grace.” </p>
<p>“I can," responded Cas.</p>
<p>“All right, tell me what you know and what you feel, and we can get started.”  Sam pulled out his laptop, stopping briefly to say, “Dean, this doesn’t get you out of telling us about the case.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In hindsight, maybe they should have spent more time talking about the case and saving Cas’s situation for a later date.  The thought didn’t help Dean in the slightest as he looked around the old farmhouse.  A trap.  He should have known it was a trap.  The poor memories of those they interviewed.  The mixed clues.  Djinn, vampire, demon.  One person’s strange recollections even made it sound like it was a Lamia.  That should have sent them back to the drawing board, but Dean refused to slow down and reassess.  He charged ahead, finding the most likely location for whatever the hell they were fighting and heading to it without a backward glance.  Sam and Cas argued with him as they drove and continued arguing as they pulled up to the old farm.  They didn’t stop until they separated, Sam making for the back door, Dean and Cas going for the front door.  The second they stepped inside the house, Cas buckled and dropped to the floor. </p>
<p>“Cas?”</p>
<p>“Warded against me.  Angels are here.  Dean, you have to get out of here.  Grab Sam and run.”</p>
<p>“What and leave you here?  No way.”</p>
<p>“The wards are keeping me here not you.  Dean, there are way too many of them to fight and more are coming.”</p>
<p>“Maybe they came to talk,” Dean said, not believing his own words for a second.</p>
<p>“These are soldiers, Dean.  Those sent out to eliminate the enemy.”  Cas pushed himself to his feet.  “We don’t have time for this.  Give me your knife.”</p>
<p>Dean reached for his knife but didn’t hand it over when he saw Cas was unbuttoning his shirt.  “What are you doing, Cas?” he asked, equally confused and concerned.</p>
<p>“I’m going to banish the angels.”</p>
<p>A memory of a box cutter and Cas ending up on a boat in the Pacific slammed into Dean’s mind. “You are not carving a damn sigil in your chest.  If you remember last time you did that, the doctors thought you were brain dead, and you woke up basically human.  And that was when your grace wasn’t malfunctioning all the damn time.” </p>
<p>Cas shook his head, snatching the knife out of Dean’s hand.  “It matters not.  We don’t have a choice if we want any of us to make it out of here alive.  And I refuse to watch you and Sam die when I can do this.”  With those words, he started carving into his chest.  His long fingers worked gracefully and with exceptional precision, and Dean could do nothing but watch as Cas marred his skin.  He watched the blood weep from the wounds and drip from the knife.  When it was over, Cas lifted his head.  Their eyes locked just as Sam came into the room, staring wide-eyed at Cas’s chest.  Cas closed his shirt quickly and said, “When I say Dean’s name, drop to the floor and cover your eyes.”</p>
<p>Within seconds the house was crawling with angels.  A tall, lanky angel with dark hair and even darker eyes stepped forward.  “Castiel, I would say it’s good to see you, but then I would be lying.  Let me make this quick.  For releasing Lucifer and a whole slew of other offenses we don’t have time to name, you are to be returned to heaven to accept your punishment.  First, we will strip you of your grace, then we will mark your human body with the crimes you are convicted of, and at last, you will die.”</p>
<p>Staring resolutely, back straight, angel blade in hand, Cas nodded.  As the angel started to close the remaining steps between them, Cas’s hand reached for his shirt and his eyes found Dean’s.  “I’m sorry, Dean,” he said as he ripped open his shirt and slammed his hand to his chest.</p>
<p>When he heard his name, Dean wanted to dive for Cas, but he didn’t.  His body automatically dropped to the floor, and his hands flew to his eyes.  He felt Sam at his side and heard his brother’s heavy breathing.  A large crack of thunder and blinding light filled the room as glass shattered around them.  It sounded like hail was raining down on the house as a cold wind whipped through the windows.  Dean tried to lift his head, but pain shot through it.  The slight movement made something ooze out of his ears.  “What the hell?” he croaked.  He rolled slowly to his side, facing Sam.  His brother was rubbing his temples.  “Hurts like a bitch.  Doesn’t it?  I think my ears are bleeding.”</p>
<p>“Mine, too.”  Sam held out his bloody hand before adding, “A warning would have been nice.”</p>
<p>“There wasn’t time.”  Dean grabbed for Sam’s hand, and they managed to help each other sit up.  “I don’t remember it being like that last time.  I know we were outside then, but still.  And what was with him saying sorry.”</p>
<p>“Dean, that sigil.  It wasn’t the typical banishing sigil.”</p>
<p>Envisioning it, Dean started to see the slight differences.  “That son of a bitch.  He knew.  He knew.  That’s what that sorry was for.”</p>
<p>Sam staggered to his feel, pulling Dean up with him.  “We need to find out what that sigil was.”  They stumbled out of the house and into the Impala, racing to the hotel.  Sam immediately started researching, but Dean couldn’t focus.  Guilt and anger were battling it out inside of him.  He wanted to drop to his knees, pleading for forgiveness, even as he itched to punch a hole in the wall.  When he stopped moving, he realized anger had won out.  His knuckles were cracked and stinging.  “Feel better?” asked Sam.</p>
<p>“Not even a little bit,” Dean said as the guilt crept back in on him.  “It was my fault.  I led us there.”</p>
<p>“And Cas made a choice.  Here look.”  Sam turned his laptop to face Dean.  “It was a banishing sigil, but it was supercharged.”</p>
<p>“Meaning?”</p>
<p>“It’s blast radius was about three times as large, and it was about five times as powerful.”</p>
<p>Dean dropped to the bed and buried his head in his hands.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck.  There’s no way he isn’t hurt, and with his grace…”  Ignoring the sting of tears in his eyes, he lifted his head, and stared at his brother.  “We have to find him, Sammy.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pacing the cramped motel room, Dean ran his hand through his hair, tugging at the short strands.  It seemed to be the only way to settle himself down.  He knew he should have tried to eat or sleep, but his mind wouldn’t stop racing through a serious of increasingly horrific outcomes.  He figured if his waking mind was that creative, he didn’t want to test what his dreaming mind would do.  His eyes drifted to the sleeping lump across the room.  Sam was asleep, but it was clearly not a restful one as his body twitched and turned frequently.  Even so, Dean didn’t want to wake him, but his pacing was bound to at some point.  With renewed determination, he pulled out a chair at the small table tucked in the corner of their room, running his hand along the cracks in the formica tabletop.  They quickly morphed into red lines, dripping with blood.  “Dammit,” he whispered.  Shoving aside the image of Cas’s bloody chest, he opened his laptop and got to work.  Within an hour, his frustration was at a new high.  Meteor sightings, freak storms, and UFO sightings dotted the map he created, and their numbers were too high to reduce the search area.  From the looks of the map, Cas could be anywhere from Alaska to Mexico. </p><p><em>This isn’t working</em>, he thought.  “We need help,” he whispered, eyes sweeping the silent room.  Without second guessing himself, he pulled out his phone and dialed the person he had demanded Sam leave out of it.  She answered with a huff and a scolding tone, critiquing the time of the call and disruption to her highly enjoyable night.  “Rowena, this is not something I do so be quiet and listen.  I need your help.”  Dean immediately launched into an explanation of their current predicament, finishing with, “He’s warded, so the usual location spells don’t work.”</p><p>“And you said you tracked his phone.”</p><p>“Found it about an hour away from the farm, but there weren’t any signs of him or any other angel.”</p><p>He heard the typical Rowena sigh.  The one she gave to show her irritation right before she agreed to help.  The sound made Dean smile for the first time since the incident.  “Send me the coordinates for the farmhouse and where you found the phone.  I may have a solution for his warding.  Give me a few hours.” </p><p>After he hung up the phone, Dean felt a tiny measure of hope even as he cursed himself for not letting Sam contact her sooner.  When he pushed back from the table and stood up, he knocked his chair into the wall.  Sam bolted upright with a frantic look on his face.  “Dean?”</p><p>“Yeah, sorry, Sam.”</p><p>“Have you even tried to sleep?”</p><p>“Nah.  I…uh…called Rowena.  She’s gonna help.”  Dean’s hand went to the back of his neck, rubbing it anxiously.  When Sam didn’t say anything, Dean added, “She said to give her a few hours.”</p><p>Sam pulled his covers back up, giving Dean an appraising look.  “Did she say if there was any progress on Lucifer?”</p><p>“He’s not my priority right now, so I didn’t ask.”</p><p>The nod Sam gave was slight, but for Dean, it conveyed his understanding.  “All right.  Wake me when she calls.” </p><p>“Ah…Okay, Sammy.”</p><p>Dean made a concerted effort to stay quiet and not disturb Sam, but it only made him more restless.  His skin began to crawl with the need to do something, anything.  Checking the time on his phone only compounded the problem.  After an hour, he gave up, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and pouring himself a glass.  He wouldn’t allow himself more than that knowing he needed a clear head when Rowena called.  The smooth heat of alcohol eased some of his tension, but the time still passed glacially.  Without any other distraction, he pulled the map back up and worked to narrow the search.  By the time the call finally came, he had failed to make any progress.  His heart was heavy as he answered the phone.  They didn’t bother with pleasantries, and she didn’t bother with explanations.  The call lasted less than a minute, but when it ended, Dean had two large search locations in opposite directions.</p><p>“Sam,” Dean said, forcefully.  “Come on, Sam, get up.”</p><p>Sitting up, Sam rubbed his eyes.  “She call.”</p><p>“Yeah, we’re going to have to split up.  Search areas are in Montana and Wisconsin.”  Before he finished speaking, Sam’s phone rang.  “Who the hell is calling at this time?”</p><p>“Um…it’s Mom.”</p><p>Dean shook his head, irritation crawling up his back.  “Nice that she calls you.”</p><p>“Dean,” Sam sighed, “She only calls me about cases.  It’s not about mother/son bonding.”  Without waiting for a response, Sam answered the phone.  “Hello.”  Dean stood up and started pacing again.  There was a long pause while Sam listened to Mary, and then he said, “I can come.”</p><p>Anger bubbled up and burst out.  “No, you fucking won’t.”</p><p>Sam didn’t even look in Dean’s direction as he wrapped up the call.  He dropped the phone to his lap and stepped out of bed, finally making eye contact with Dean.  “She needs help, and it’s on the way to Wisconsin.  Now where exactly am I going.”</p><p>Within the hour, they were on their way.  Sam was headed to Iowa to help Mary before heading to Portage, Wisconsin.  His search area traversed a wide swath along the Wisconsin River.  The drive was only about eight hours, and if all went well with Mary, he would be at his destination before Dean got to Big Timber, Wyoming. </p><p>“Don’t drive it all in one stretch,” warned Sam as threw his bag into the backseat of the Impala.  Dean hated giving up his baby, but she wasn’t made to drive in the snow.  His eyes drifted to the pick-up he had stolen from a consignment lot.  It was an older four-wheel drive, but its tires were practically brand-new which made it the correct choice, even if it irked him.     </p><p>Sighing, he returned to their conversation.  “It’s only fourteen hours.  I can easily do that.”</p><p>Sam shook his head.  “At least promise me you’ll stop if you get tired.”</p><p>“Fine, I have to stop and pick up a bunch of crap anyway.  Not sure how I got stuck going to the fucking mountains in the dead of winter.”</p><p>“I thought they were called the Crazy Mountains.”</p><p>Dean glared at his brother.  “Shut up, Sam.  Get out of here.”</p><p> </p><p>Nine hours into the drive, Dean realized he wasn’t a young man anymore.  His body ached all over, especially his lower back and shoulders.  There was no way he could go on without at least stopping to eat.  The snacks he had eaten had failed to sate his hunger, and his stomach was rebelling as much as the rest of his body.  The last mileage sign said he was coming up on Casper, Wyoming.  He figured he could eat and pick up some much-needed supplies. </p><p>He pulled into the first diner he spotted, grunting and groaning as he pushed himself up and out of the car.  Thoughts of Cas plagued him, so he wolfed down his food even though it would exacerbate his stomach problem.  After paying the bill, he rushed to a local sporting goods store.  Instead of running around the store searching for all the items he needed, he commandeered a sales associate.</p><p>“I need a satellite phone, parachute cord, snowshoes, a drag sled and harness.  I also need winter gear for two, an emergency blanket, and a winter emergency kit.”</p><p>The sales associate stared at him for a few seconds as if she was trying to figure out where to start.  “Okay, we should start with the emergency kit.  Some of them contain emergency blankets.  It depends on the size and type you purchase.”  From there, they made their way around the store.  Dean deferred to her expertise, choosing the brands and types she suggested.  It was a significant chunk of change, but Dean hardly paid attention to that particular detail.  He quickly loaded the gear into the bed of the pickup and headed to the auto parts store to pick up snow chains.  He had thought having four-wheel drive was good enough, but Sam insisted he needed chains if he was going to drive on backcountry roads.  By the time he was done, he was too amped up to sleep, so he decided to get back on the road.   </p><p>Five hours later, he drove down a narrow stretch of road.  The blanket of snow dulled the sound of the vehicle and left him with a sense of loneliness.  It was dark except for the small glimpses of moonlight when it happened to break through the trees.  As he approached his final destination, he hoped there would be no issue with the arrangements Sam made.  Parking the truck as close the front door as he could, he grabbed his duffel bag, climbed out, and trudged through the snow.  Thankfully the entry code worked, and the blast of heat he felt when he opened the door assured Dean the cabin was ready for habitation.  With a cursory glance at his surroundings, he shucked off his boots and walked the short distance to the bedroom, flopping onto the bed.  He shifted around until he could drag the blankets over him.  Once he was settled, he began his prayer to Cas. </p><p>“I’m coming, Cas.  I will find you and bring you home.  Please, be okay.  I need you to fight.”  He paused as he felt the tears well in his eyes.  “I hope you can hear me.  I need you to know I won’t give up on you.”  A part of him always waited for a response and felt a little more broken when none came.  It was foolhardy and Dean knew it, but for some reason he couldn’t prevent it.  Brushing the depressing thought aside, he let his exhaustion take him and pull him into sleep.</p><p> </p><p>The sun was barely dawning when Dean crawled out of the bed, stumbling to the kitchen.  Boxes of food sat on the counter and the fridge was surprisingly full.  Dean owed a debt of gratitude to the cabin’s owner for providing the service.  He dug around until he found the coffee, brewing a full pot.  As it dripped, he pulled out the satellite map and started dividing it into grids.  There would be no rushing this time, only careful planning.  The winter and the terrain demanded it. </p><p>After eating a full breakfast, Dean went out to the truck and brought in the supplies.  He organized his pack the way the sales associate had taught him, strapping it to the sled.  With the map and compass stored in his pocket, he donned the rest of his outerwear and headed out into the woods.  The walk was slow as he struggled to get used to the snowshoes.  The cold wind whipped around him, even as his body worked up a sweat.  He grew discouraged by the lack of signs and his slow progress.  The hours ticked by, and before he knew it, night was creeping up on him.  He was too far away to head back to the cabin, and if he waited much longer, he would be setting up the tent in the dark.  At the first clearing with level ground, he stopped and set up camp.  By the time he was done, night had fully fallen.  Pulling out the small stove and freeze-dried food packet, he sent a thank you to the sales associate for convincing him to prepare for an overnight stay.  When he was done, he crawled into the tent and slithered into his sleeping bag, thoughts of Cas heavy on his mind.  The quiet of the night was joined by his silent prayers.  <em>I’m here, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and Sam.  I miss you, Cas.  </em></p><p>The sounds of nature woke him before his body was ready for the day.  He groaned as he unzipped his sleeping bag.  “Gonna be a long fucking day, Cas.  By body hurts in places I didn’t know it could.”  The one-sided conversation continued throughout the day.  Dean lost himself in it at times, having to backtrack and search areas he already covered.  It was getting late again when he turned toward the cabin, traversing another grid on the map.  He looked up at the sky, trying to discern how much daylight he had left, when he spotted scorch marks high up on a tree.  As his gaze followed the mark, he spotted another and another.  The tree line opened up into a small clearing with a strip of land unnaturally devoid of snow.  His heart started to pound, and his mind began to race.  As he pushed on, he lost the trail as new snow covered the path.  His eyes frantically scanned for another sign.  It was on his fifth pass, he spotted a shallow dip in the landscape, barely visible in the low light. </p><p>He rushed forward, falling into the hole as he misjudged its depth.  The sled smacked into him and flipped over as he landed in the bottom of a deep crater.  When he rolled over, his body collided with a solid mass.  “Cas,” he cried as he saw a shock of dark hair.  “Cas, Cas, Cas.”  He couldn’t seem to stop saying his name as he brushed the snow away, discovering tattered bloody clothes.  “Fuck.”  He scrambled over to the sled, and with shaking hands he retrieved the bag, pulling out the med kit.  Throwing off his gloves, he tried to get to work wrapping the worst wounds, but his trembling hands slowed his progress.  “You’re Dean fucking Winchester.  Get it together.”</p><p>He clenched his hands into fists, and when that didn’t work, he rubbed them together vigorously.  The shaking dissipated enough for him to tend the wounds.  While he worked, he ignored the lack of movement in Cas’s chest, the lack of the steady up and down of breathing, focusing on the strange warmth he felt as he touched Cas’s chest.  As he moved to the long slash on Cas’s left arm, the coldness of the skin was noticeable even to Dean’s nearly frozen hands.  The realization made him move at a feverish pace.  “I guess we better get moving before we both freeze.  Um…I brought you some stuff.”  Dean dressed him in a stocking hat and gloves.  “Looks good on you.  Although I miss the hair, and I really wish you’d open your eyes.  I could use a Cas stare right about now.” </p><p>Sitting back on his heels, he looked down at the injured angel.  The bandages remained blood free, so Dean pulled the sled over and lifted Cas’s body onto it.  “Fuck, you’re heavy.  It’d be a big help if you woke up now, Cas.”  Silence greeted his words, but he kept right on talking as he covered Cas in the sleeping bag and emergency blanket.  “Okay, I’m going to strap you to the sled and pull you out.  I can come back down for the bag.”  Tossing aside the snowshoes, he tried to climb out with the harness, but the weight of the sled pulled him back down.  “Well, that didn’t work for shit.  I’ll be right back.  I promise.”  Dean strapped the snowshoes to the pack and pulled it on before making a second attempt at climbing out of the hole.  It was a struggle, but somehow, he managed to scramble out.  “Parachute cord.  Yeah, that should work.”  After pulling it out, he wrapped it around the base of a tree, and then jumped down next to Cas knotting one end to the sled. “I guess it’s a good thing I know how to tie a decent knot.  All right, Cas, I’ll be right up there, dragging you out.” </p><p>Using the cord, Dean pulled himself out of the hole and used the leverage of the tree to slowly pull Cas up.  His arms were ready to give out by the time the front tip of the sled cleared the surface.  With one last burst of energy, the sled slipped over the edge, coming to rest at Dean’s feet.  A sigh of relief escaped as Dean shook out his hands and arms before attaching the harness and slipping it back on.  Orienting himself, he started in the direction of the cabin.  At this point, he knew he wouldn’t make it back before dark, but he felt he had no choice.  “Damn snowshoes.  You’d think I’d be used to them by now, but I have to tell you, Cas, they suck.”  As his exhaustion grew, his commentary faded, replaced by a mantra of <em>left, right, left, right</em>.  He paused only briefly to attach the light to his jacket, illuminating the path ahead.  By the time he spotted the cabin, his body was drenched in sweat, and he was shivering. </p><p>Maneuvering Cas into the cabin took some effort.  Dean wanted to drop where he stood and rest, but there was too much to do.  Lifting Cas off the sled, he laid him gently on the floor and proceeded to remove his damp clothes and bandages, finding a dislocated right shoulder.  His eyes drifted slowly over the rest of the angel's naked body, heat rose up his neck, settling in his cheeks along with a feeling of shame.  His thoughts raced through all the times he chided Cas about personal space and his creepy staring.  “Now who’s the creep,” he groaned, turning his head away and tugging his hair in an attempt to center himself.  When he looked back at Cas, he focused solely on the task ahead. </p><p>He painstakingly cleaned the wounds before rewrapping them.  “You’re lucky you’re asleep for this one,” he said as he positioned himself to set Cas’s shoulder.  Part of him wanted the pain to wake Cas, even as the rest of him cringed at the idea of his friend in agony.  No matter what Cas said being human had not been kind to him.  In fact, if Dean really let himself think about that time and what Cas went through, the best description was, <em>it sucked ass</em>.  Dwelling on it now was a waste of time, so he shoved it away and checked Cas over one more time.  Once he was satisfied, he dressed his friend in a pair of warm, comfortable sweatpants and a thermal shirt.  The bedroom seemed far away, but Dean was determined to carry Cas to the bed. </p><p>He was shocked by the enormity of the bed.  Made of lodgepole pine, it sat high off the floor and was covered in quilted blankets.  “Not sure how I missed that yesterday,” he said as he hefted Cas onto it.  “Or the bank of windows.”  His eyes scanned the remainder of the room.  “Or the stone fireplace.  Man, you should see this place, Cas.  A bit fancier than we’re used to.  You’re missing out.  How ‘bout you wake up and take a look around.”  There was no movement or sound from the bed.  Dean’s shoulders slumped as he reached in his pocket for the tube of smelling salts.  Leaning over the bed, he crushed the packet and held it under Cas’s nose.  Nothing happened.  “Was worth a shot,” he whispered, setting the bottle on the nightstand.  </p><p>A feeling of despair crept over Dean, leaving him with a desire to crawl in the bed and lay down with Cas.  Shaking off the strange thought, he turned away and went to work.  He lit a fire in the bedroom before heading to the living room.  After cleaning up the mess of bloody bandages and wet clothing, he made himself dinner.  The empty table around him drove in a sense of isolation.  Needing to talk to someone, he grabbed the satellite phone.  “Heya, Sammy.”</p><p>“What the hell, Dean?  You were supposed to call me as soon as you got the phone.”</p><p>Dean sighed, “Yeah, sorry, been busy.”</p><p>“That is not-” Sam started.</p><p>“I found him,” Dean said, effectively cutting Sam off.  “He’s banged up and unconscious.  And freakishly warm on his chest, but his limbs are like freakin’ popsicles.  I’m assuming it’s some angel thing.”</p><p>“I’m on my way.”  The sound of rustling accompanied Sam’s statement. </p><p>A sense of wrong filled Dean’s chest.  “No, Sam.  This one’s on me.  I need to do this.  It was my fault, and he’s my responsibility.  We have no idea how long this could take, and someone has to keep hunting and finding a way to capture Lucifer again.  You’re the best man for that job.  I mean it, Sammy.  Let me do this.”</p><p>Silence followed Dean’s words.  After several seconds, he heard a whispered conversation but couldn’t make out a word of it.  When Sam finally returned to the phone, he said, “All right, Dean.”</p><p>“That’s it.  You’re not going to argue with me.”</p><p>“No, if this is what you need, then I support you.”  Sam paused before adding, “And…um…Mom agrees with you.”</p><p>The image of Mary and Sam holed up in a motel room irritated him, and he wanted nothing more than to get off the phone.  “Well, you two have fun.  I’ll check in with you tomorrow.”  He hung up before Sam could respond.  Without hesitation, he shut off the phone and headed to the bedroom.  Gathering some extra blankets and a pillow, he made a bed on the floor.  “I’ll be right here, Cas,” he said with quiet assurance.   Glaring at the hardwood floor, he added, “Ya’ know, my body’s never going to forgive me for all the shit I put it through.” </p><p>Crossing the short expanse between them, Dean set his hand on the edge of the bed.  “I wish I knew what to do,” he whispered as he brushed a hand across Cas’s forehead.  The angel began muttering so quietly it was nearly silent.  Dean crawled onto the bed in an attempt to hear him.  The words were a smattering of Enochian, delivered disjointedly.  “I don’t know what you’re saying, but God it’s good to hear your voice.”  Not wanting to miss a single word, he quickly stripped off his dirty clothes, throwing on an outfit similar to the one Cas was wearing.  Needing to listen to that voice, he slid onto the bed, resting his head next to Cas’s.  A few English words were slipping into the stuttered Enochian.  None of it made sense to Dean, and he grew frustrated with himself.  “Should have listened to Sammy and learned more Enochian.  I should have done it for you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Closing his eyes to concentrate on the steady breath and whispered words to his left, Dean felt a measure of tension leave his body for the first time since Cas disappeared.  The smattering of Enochian shifted more and more into English, and two words seemed to repeat frequently.  “Dean, sorry.”  The rest of the words never coalesced into an understandable pattern, but Dean was determined to try and figure out their meaning.  He rolled off the bed, retrieving his journal.  As soon as he climbed back into the bed, he started writing every word and phrase Cas spoke, underlining those delivered with more force than a breathy whisper.</p><p>
  <em><span class="u">Dean</span>, Sorry                                                  Doubt, no, no, no</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He’s free                                                      Let him be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s not <span class="u">broken </span>                                            Want, <span class="u">need</span></em>
</p><p>
  <em>He abandoned…lost                                    Where, stay</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dean                                                           <span class="u">Won’t hurt Dean</span></em>
</p><p>
  <em>Doesn’t want me                                         Alone, cold</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All the…love                                               Not…angel</em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="u">Nothing,</span> nothing, nothing…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cas’s voice faded away as he repeated the last word over and over.  When he was finally silent, Dean looked over the list and found himself flooded with memories.  Quiet conversations and confessions between him and Cas.  Fear shot back to the forefront when he settled on the anguished sound of Cas’s voice as he said angel and nothing.  It mirrored the voice Cas used when he talked of wanting to kill himself after Purgatory.  “I was the one who did nothing, Cas.  You confided in me.  I saw how vulnerable you were in that moment, and I did nothing.”  Suddenly Dean saw Cas’s actions in a new light.  The risks he took, the seemingly suicidal missions, culminating with blasting himself away to save them.  “This is my fault,” Dean sighed.  <em>I’m so sorry, Cas.  I’m sorry I didn’t listen.  Please wake up so I can tell you.  Please wake up and show me those stupidly blue eyes.  </em>His prayer stopped when he pictured all the times Cas stared at him.  The intensity in his gaze.  The searching quality in every eye contact.  Dean wondered what exactly Cas saw in him.  His thoughts were interrupted as Cas started speaking again.</p><p>“Angels don’t love.”</p><p>“Naomi, stop, please.  Don’t.”</p><p>“I don’t serve you.”</p><p>“I won’t hurt, Dean.”</p><p>“I love him.”</p><p>“Angels don’t love.  Not one man.  Only God.”</p><p>“I love him.”</p><p>“I love Dean.  Nothing you do to me will change that.”</p><p>“I’m not broken.  Angels can feel love.”</p><p>Dean’s heart beat rapidly, and an overwhelming need to flee filled every fiber of his being.  Before he knew it, his feet were on the ground and carrying him out of the room.  The forward rush halted just as quickly as it had begun.  It was as if some barrier was keeping him from escaping.  As soon as his feet cleared the threshold of the bedroom doorway, he stopped and dropped to the ground.  His body shivered.  “Why, why, why?”  Shaking his head, he tried to refocus, but it felt like he wasn’t all there, as if a part of him was still in the room with Cas.  Running was not an option, even if his skin crawled with the urge to flee and not look back.  Dean hefted himself off the floor and turned to face the room.  Movement on the bed caught his eye.  He raced over to find Cas shaking violently and blood soaking through his bandages. </p><p>“Fuck.”  Dean crawled onto the bed and held Cas, trying to stop his thrashing.  By the time it stopped, Dean was wrapped around Cas, cradling him to his body.  Cas sighed deeply and his body seemed to relax.  Dean leaned away slightly to look at his face, now devoid of worry lines.  Needing to assess the damage, Dean pulled back the bandage on Cas’s chest.  The wounds were open and weeping.  Dean quickly left the room to grab the first aid supplies. </p><p>When he returned, Cas was thrashing around and calling out.  “Dean.  Dean.”</p><p>“Cas, I’m right here,” yelled Dean as he climbed back on the bed.  Hoping Cas was waking, he waited for a response.  None came.  “Dammit, please wake up.”  Without thinking, he grabbed Cas and hugged him.  “Please, I need you.”  The angels breathing grew stronger, and his limbs began to warm as the color returned to his body.  Dean ran his hand through Cas’s dark hair, tangling his fingers in the long strands.  It was softer than he had imagined<em>.  </em>Dean shook his head.<em>  That was a strange thought.  Where did that come from?</em>  The urge to flee flicked across his mind again, even as he grabbed Cas’s hand and lifted it to his lips, placing a tender kiss to his palm and then the inside of his wrist.  As he kissed Cas’s temple, his mind raced.  <em>I don’t know what this is.  God, what am I doing, Cas?  Please come back to me.  I really fucking need you right now.  </em></p><p>With each successive prayer, Dean’s mind slowed down and his heart stopped pounding.  His body relaxed against Cas, breathing in tandem with the angel.  The comfort ushered in a sleepy haze, and Dean closed his eyes, giving into his exhaustion.</p><p> </p><p>Blinding sunlight streamed in the window, sweeping across Dean’s face.   Groaning, he cracked his eyes open and froze.  Blue eyes were staring blankly at him.  “Cas,” he whispered.  There was no acknowledgement or recognition in Cas’s eyes.  They remained open and vacant.  Not blinking or moving in the slightest.  It was worse, in some ways, than having them closed.  “Cas, can you hear me?  Give me some sign.”  Dean reached out and brushed his hand along Cas’s cheek.  The angel’s eyes closed, and the rigid line of his body slumped against Dean.  “Cas?”</p><p>“Hello, Dean.” </p><p>Dean released the breath he was holding.  “Thank fuck.  You scared the shit out of me.”  Cas remained quiet and stationary.  “No.  You don’t get to disappear on me again,” he said as he tightened his hold and shook Cas gently. </p><p>“Shh…”</p><p>“Cas, please open your eyes for me.  I need to see you.”</p><p>“Too tired.” </p><p>For a moment, Dean thought about letting Cas go back to sleep, but a nagging question was plaguing him, and he had to ask.  “Why aren’t you healing, Cas?  It’s been days and those wounds you carved don’t look any better than when you did it.”  A muffled sound emanated from where Cas’s face was buried between the pillow and Dean’s chest.  “Didn’t quite catch that,” said Dean as he gripped Cas’s face and lifted it from the bed.  Panic filled him when Cas went limp in his hands, head lolling and then falling back in unconsciousness.  “No, no.  Stay with me Cas.  I can’t do this without you.  I need you to tell me what to do.  How to help you?  Shit, shit, shit.  What the fuck do I do know?” he railed at the empty room.  A faint voice in his head said, <em>Call Sam.</em></p><p>The satellite phone was pressed to his ear within seconds.  The ringing seemed to go on interminably before Sam answered.  “I don’t know what to do.  He’s unconscious.”</p><p>“Um…okay…that’s not new,” said Sam, clearly confused.</p><p>“He sorta woke up.  Last night, he was thrashing around almost like he was seizing.  The only thing that calmed him down was when I held him.  And when I woke up this morning, he was staring at me.  Well, I thought he was looking at me, but he was sort of off in some other world, even though his eyes were on me.  His body was all taut and rigid like the old Castiel.  But then I touched him and it was like he really woke up.  He relaxed and said hello to me.  But now he’s completely gone again.”</p><p>“It’s not surprising that your touch would bring him around.”</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Dean warily.  Sam was quiet for several heartbeats, and Dean’s nerves sparked at the delay.  “Sam.”  He said the name in a hard and demanding voice.</p><p>“Look, Dean.  I don’t want you to get defensive, but you always touch Cas.  He stares and stands too close, and you touch him.  It’s how you two communicate.  It helps calm you, and I think it does something similar for Cas.”</p><p>Part of Dean wanted to disagree, but his traitorous mind flashed through memories proving Sam’s point.  “Fine, I get it, but that doesn’t help me now.  He’s completely lifeless, Sammy.”</p><p>Dean heard Sam’s heavy inhale and exhale before he said, “Okay, so Cas is basically human, but still has grace.  Meaning his body will keep functioning.  His grace is sustaining it, but maybe that’s the problem.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“His grace isn’t at full power so just trying to sustain his body is maybe using too much and that is why it can’t heal him.”</p><p>Dean thought about the implications of Sam’s theory.  It made sense.  Human bodies did much the same when faced with the cold.  The core was kept warm at the expense of the limbs, protecting the vital organs.  In fact, Cas’s body was doing just that when he found him in the snow.  “I think you’re right, but what should I do.”</p><p>“Treat him like a human and not an angel.”</p><p>Guilt hit Dean square in the chest.  “Shit, he’s probably dehydrated.  I didn’t even think about it.  I’ve just been treating his wounds.”</p><p>“Dean, you found him and took care of him.”</p><p>Huffing, Dean said, “Not well enough.”</p><p>“Dean,” admonished Sam, “Feeling guilty solves nothing.  Focus on what you need to do now.  If he was in the hospital, he’d have an IV, feeding him fluids and nutrients.  You need to do it the old-fashioned way.”</p><p>“Okay, I can do that.  I did it plenty when you got sick as a kid.  Thanks, Sammy.”</p><p>“Take care of him but take care of yourself too.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah.  Bye, bitch.”</p><p>“Jerk.”</p><p> </p><p>Setting to work after his conversation with Sam distracted him from his guilt.  He unpacked the food boxes in the kitchen, making quick work of organizing them.  Most of the nonperishables wouldn’t work for Cas, but he did find some tea and honey which fit the bill.  He immediately heated water in the teapot.  After making the tea and adding honey, he let it rest until it was tepid.  After retrieving a medicine dropper from the med kit, he went back into the bedroom.  Cas was silent and immobile on the bed.  <em>Better than thrashing</em>, he thought as he climbed onto the bed and lifted Cas.  Resting against the headboard, he supported Cas in his arms and fed him the tea.  The first attempt failed miserably as all the liquid poured back out of Cas’s mouth.  Tipping Cas’s head further back he tried again, and the angel swallowed.  Dean sighed in relief and filled the dropper again.  “You’re doing great, Cas,” he said as Cas swallowed the next dose of tea.  “Just a few more.” </p><p>It grew more difficult to get Cas to swallow, so with the cup half gone, Dean decided to stop.  He wiped Cas’s lips gently.  “I should have known you were dehydrated with how chapped your lips are.”</p><p>“Dean…don’t want to go.  Please.”</p><p>The anguish and fear in Cas’s voice shook Dean to his core making his voice quaver.  “Cas, you’re not going anywhere and neither am I.  I’m going to take care of you.  I promise.  Never letting you go.”</p><p>“Gripped you tight.  My Dean.”</p><p>“Yeah, Cas, I’m yours, and you’re my angel.”  The words were out before Dean thought about their implications.  In his mind, he often referred to Cas as his angel.  Others had vocalized it, taunting him with it.  Dean never bothered arguing with them.  He always told himself it was because it would only embolden his enemies, but maybe it ran deeper than that.  Cas referred to their bond as profound, and it was in so many ways.  His thoughts halted abruptly when Cas moaned painfully.  “Sorry, guess this position isn’t the best.”  Trying to shift Cas into a more comfortable position was easier said than done.  The angel clung to Dean with surprising strength.  “That seems like a good sign.  Still got some of your angel strength,” Dean said as he pried Cas’s hands from his shirt.  Gently, he laid him down next to him.  His plan was to get himself some breakfast, but he remained in the bed.  Feeling Cas’s body heat and listening to his breathing brought immeasurable comfort, and Dean soaked it in until his stomach grumbled loudly.  Cas twitched at the sound.  “All right, I guess that’s my cue.  I’ll be back in a little bit, Cas.”</p><p>He wolfed down a bowl of granola and drained a cup of coffee.  <em>Bacon would have been nice.  You know Sam just asked for that crap to annoy me.  There’s a bunch of vegetables and protein shakes in the fridge.  No way am I drinking those things.  I guess they’ll be good for you once you wake your ass up.  That little teaser you gave me this morning is hardly enough.  </em>Dean chuckled as he washed his few dishes.  <em>It’s funny how easily I pray to you.  I remember how uncomfortable I was the first few times.  Stumbling over my words.  Unsure if I was doing it right.  Now, I can just carry on a one-sided conversation with you.  Although, I’d prefer it if you talked back.</em>  His eyes drifted to the window above the sink.  Two feet of new snow covered the ground.  It was pristine and glistened in the sunlight.  <em>Cas would love it,</em> he thought.  He loved nature in way Dean never truly understood until this moment.  There was beauty and serenity in this little slice of the world.  Problems and worries washed away.  No wonder Cas, a being created as an unbending soldier of heaven, would be awed by the evolution of nature.  <em>What’s that saying, Cas.  Stop and smell the roses.  Or in your case stop and follow the bees.  I think I get it, now.</em></p><p>Pulling his gaze from the window, Dean turned to face the expansive room.  There was beauty in the construction.  Vaulted ceilings and large windows.  Different hues of wood, warming the interior.  Dean wished he was here for another reason.  It was a place to take a lover.  Somewhere to get away from the difficulties and stresses of everyday life.  Or in his case a life filled with heartache and trauma.  He wanted Cas to wake up and feel the same comfort.  He wanted to share this experience with him.  The thought dragged him from the room and down the hall.  Without a second thought, he crawled into the bed next to Cas.  The angel was murmuring and fidgeting.  Both settled the moment Dean touched him. </p><p>“Dean” he sighed with clarity.</p><p>“Yeah, Cas, it’s me.”</p><p>Cas rolled over and wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist.  “Good dream.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“You’re warm.  Smell like Dean.  Hmmm…everything to me.”  Dean tensed and pushed Cas back by his shoulders.  “Knew it was only a dream,” Cas said, his voice laced with sadness.  He rolled away and curled in on himself, wincing in pain.</p><p>The sound broke Dean out of his reticence.  <em>What are you doing?</em>  <em>He needs you, and you’re shoving him away</em>.  “Cas, I’m sorry,” he said, but it was too late.  Cas was passed out again.  “Dammit, you’re an asshole,” he chided himself.  Dean laid back and covered his eyes with his forearm.  The bed started shaking, and Dean knew what it meant before he even opened his eyes.  <em>My fault, my fault</em>, played on a loop, but he didn’t let the guilt stop him from shifting over to Cas and making him the little spoon.  Cas stopped convulsing.  “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“Need you.”</p><p>“I know.  I need you, too.”</p><p>Cas sighed in relief, body relaxing into Dean’s hold.  For the rest of the day, in between administering more tea and caring for his wounds, Dean held Cas.  He didn’t shy away or tense at Cas’s words.  He didn’t try to analyze them or his reactions.  He didn’t second guess the touch they shared or the way he kissed Cas on the head or hand.  He simply let it happen.  As darkness settled around them, Cas rolled over and opened his eyes.  They were hazy with exhaustion and an emotion Dean could not name.  He had never seen that look in Cas’s eyes, and it unnerved him.  Fighting to keep his anxiety at bay, he smiled at the angel.  “Hi there.”</p><p>“Hello, Dean,” Cas responded in a gritty, cracked voice.   “Where are we?”</p><p>The lucidity of the question took Dean by surprise, making him stammer out a response.  “Cas, are you…is that…um…a cabin in Montana.”</p><p>“How long?”</p><p>“You were missing for days.  I just found you yesterday and brought you back here.  You’re not healing.”</p><p>Cas nodded.  “It’s as I expected.  You and Sam?”</p><p>“We’re fine.  You blasted them all away.  We started searching right away, but...ah…Sam went to Wisconsin to search and I came here.”  Dean paused and stared into Cas’s deep blue eyes.  A touch of spark was returning to them.  “You scared the shit out of me, Cas.”</p><p>“It was not my intent, but it was the only option.”</p><p>Dean’s first instinct was to argue and berate the angel, but it felt wrong in the moment.  Cas was awake, but he still looked exhausted.  His skin was ashen, and his breath was shallow.  His body was a mixture of hot and cold and covered in bandages, bruised and bloody.  Not to mention the fact that they were together, wrapped up in the soft coziness of the big bed and its numerous blankets.  For those reasons, Dean knew a change of subject was in order.  “Is there anything we can do to help with your grace?”</p><p>Shaking his head, the angel said, “No, it will just take time to recharge.”</p><p>“Okay.”  Dean brushed Cas’s hair off his forehead.  “So, human.”</p><p>“Basically.”</p><p>“Hungry?”</p><p>Cas smiled, small but genuine.  “Thank you, Dean.”  He paused, and his eyes flicked over to where their bodies were entwined.  “For this.”</p><p>Dean felt blood rush to his face, but he didn’t turn away.  “You seemed to need it.”</p><p>“Your touch is always very comforting.”</p><p>Dean’s mouth dropped open.  “I…uh…um…shit.”  He dropped his chin, resting their foreheads together.  “Sam said I do that a lot.”</p><p>“What?  Touch me?”  Dean nodded without lifting his head.  “The need for touch is not inherent in an angel, and I didn’t truly understand it at first.  When you would touch me, there was…is this feeling of peace.”</p><p>Exhaling heavily, Dean said, “That’s how I feel when you’re next to me.  I don’t even have to be touching you.  Just having you near is enough.”  Dean felt rubbed raw by the conversation and how much he had revealed.  Not only to Cas, but to himself.  Being honest about his feelings went against his usual box it up, bury it, and forget about it approach.  His mind raced, and he needed a distraction.  “So, are you hungry?  We should eat.  You need to eat.  I’m gonna go…uh…make us some food.”  Dean extricated himself from Cas and the bed, and the angel smiled indulgently at him.  “I’ll be back,” said Dean as he left the room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Flitting around the kitchen, Dean pulled out a variety of items, way more than was necessary.  As he stared at the mess he was making, he snorted at himself.  “Big bad hunter can’t handle a little honesty.  What a coward.”</p><p>“You are not a coward.”</p><p>Dean quickly turned to face the angel.  “Cas, what the hell are you doing?”  Worry radiated through him, when he saw Cas leaning heavily against the wall.  Racing over, he wrapped Cas's arm around his shoulder and helped him over to the couch.  His skin was cold to the touch, icier than when they were in bed.  “You should have never gotten out of bed.”</p><p>“I wanted to join you, but you left so fast I didn’t get a chance to ask.”</p><p>“I was going to come back once the food was done.”</p><p>Cas nodded.  “I know, but I am tired of being in bed.”</p><p>Standing over Cas, Dean draped a blanket over him. “Mm…hmm…You were unconscious for most of it.” </p><p>The angel rolled his eyes, but the effect was dampened by his full body shiver.  Dean shook his head and walked over to the fireplace.  Without a word, he set about lighting a fire.  He could feel Cas’s eyes on him, tracking his movements.  The knowledge sent a tingle up his spine.  It wasn’t a new feeling, but this time he found himself squirming from the scrutiny.  As soon as the kindling blazed, Dean headed back to the kitchen.  “Dean?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Are you all right?”</p><p>Dean wanted to answer with a simple, <em>I’m fine</em>, but it would be a lie.  Nothing had felt quite right since Cas drew that damn sigil on his chest.  He was angry, sad, guilt-ridden, and relieved all at the same time.  There was also this sense of loss hanging over him which was illogical because he had found Cas.  The angel was here and awake, but his relief over it was fleeting at best.  Part of the hunter feared what was to come.  Feared the next time Cas would make another suicidal decision.  The angel needed to stop putting Dean and Sam first.  He needed to give a shit about himself, and Dean had no idea how to make him see that fact.  Lashing out was his normal go to, but Cas was still weak and injured.</p><p>“Dean, talk to me.”</p><p>“Hey, that’s my line.”</p><p>Cas chuckled lightly, eliciting a deep cough.  Dean rushed over to help him sit up.  As he rubbed the angel’s back, Cas whispered, “I learn from the best.” </p><p>“I wish you wouldn’t do that.”</p><p>Looking over his shoulder, Cas settled his intense gaze on Dean.  “Do what?”</p><p>Shaking his head, Dean stopped his ministrations and looked down at his lap.  “Putting me on some kind of pedestal.  I’m just a man, Cas.  And not a very good one.”</p><p>Scoffing loudly, Cas placed his hand under Dean’s chin and lifted until they made eye contact.  “And I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”  They stared at each other in total silence for several heartbeats.  “These last years have been the best of my life.  You have changed me.  You have given me friendship and family.  It goes beyond anything I ever imagined for myself.”</p><p>“How can you say that?  You’ve died.  Fucking exploded, more than once.  You’ve been tortured and had your grace torn from you.  Ended up homeless and alone.  I abandoned you, Cas.  I yell and call you names.”  Dean closed his eyes, exhaling heavily.  “I’m not good for you, Cas.”</p><p>A soft touch to his shoulder made Dean flinch, but the movement did not deter the angel.  Fingers skimmed over Dean’s shoulder and along his collarbone.  He closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions the featherlight touch evoked, even as he leaned into Cas’s hand.  “Dean, you are not to blame for what happens to me and what choices I make.  I was a broken angel long before you came into my life.”</p><p>Dean shook his head as Cas’s muttered words came back to him, <em>I’m not broken</em>.  He lifted his head and stared into tired blue eyes.  “No, you don’t get to say that.  You told me you weren’t broken.” </p><p>Cas’s head tilted to the side, and a mask of confusion slid over his face.  “I don’t remember…”</p><p>“You wouldn’t.  You were unconscious.  After I got you back here, you started talking.  At first it was in Enochian, so I had no clue what you were saying, but then you slipped into English.”  Dean saw a flicker of fear in Cas’s eyes before the angel hardened his gaze.  Normally, Dean would respond with his own harsh look and tone, but the last few days had worn at his edges, softening them to a degree.  “What’s wrong, Cas?”</p><p>“Nothing,” snapped Cas as he dropped his hand and turned his head away. </p><p>“Please tell me why you’re afraid.”  Even as Dean said the words, he berated himself for pushing so far.  Fear was not an emotion they allowed themselves, and they certainly did not talk about it because vulnerability was not allowed in their line of work.  Pointing it out went against some unwritten code they all followed, and now Dean put a crack in the façade.  Before he could try to cover over it or attempt to change the subject, Cas sighed loudly and leaned back into the couch.</p><p>“I was dreaming or remembering.  It was a mixture of memory and fear and hope.  I…there are some things that are best left unsaid.”</p><p>“Maybe that is the problem, Cas.  We leave too many things left unsaid.”  Dean shuddered at the blurted words.  He was opening too many fissures.  If he kept this up, it would all leak out, so he had to harden himself.  Lashing out in anger was the easiest solution.  Part of him balked at the ire he was about to unleash on Cas.  <em>Not now.  He’s too weak.  He’s injured.  Don’t do this.  Save it for later, </em>he thought. </p><p>“Dean,” said Cas, interrupting Dean’s train of thought.  “I don’t think-”   </p><p>Cas’s words helped bury any reservations Dean had, and he let his anger flow freely.  “And that’s the problem.  You don’t fucking think.  You just throw yourself into danger.  What the hell were you thinking, carving THAT sigil?  You could have died.”</p><p>Hard, warm hands grabbed ahold of Dean and pinned him to the couch.  Steel blue eyes glared at him.  “I’m not dead.  I’m not weak.  I’m right here.  I’m alive, Dean, and I will heal.  I am healing.  It was worth it to save you and Sam.”</p><p>Dean noted the temperature change in Cas’s hands as he responded, “You have to stop-” </p><p>“What?  Risking my life for those I love?  You don’t, so why should I?”</p><p>Dean deflated, remembering Cas’s muttered words<em>, I love him.  I love Dean.  Nothing will change that.  </em>“Cas…I’m…”  The angel’s eyes closed briefly before he let Dean go and pushed himself off the couch.  Dean watched as he walked away, steady and upright.  “Cas?”  The march down the hall continued without a hitch, and it irritated Dean.  Walking away, leaving, they were Cas’s MO, and Dean hated it.  He had always hated the way Cas would flit off without a goodbye and disappear without contact, leaving Dean to worry.  <em>Not this time</em>, he thought.  Racing after Cas, Dean said, “Where the hell are you going?  We are NOT done.”</p><p>“I’m tired, Dean,” said Cas.</p><p>“And whose fault is that.  If you hadn’t blasted yourself away-”  Dean reached the bedroom just as Cas spun to face him.  The look in the angel’s eyes made Dean swallow the rest of his sentence.  In two quick strides, Cas had Dean pinned to the wall.  Heat pooled in Dean’s stomach, his heart raced, and his breath hitched.  He was held tight by the fire in Cas’s eyes.  It made Dean’s body shiver with anticipation and anxiety. </p><p>Cas’s voice lowered to an impossible register.  “Dean.”</p><p>Dean was instantly aroused and hindered by confusion.  “Cas, I…what…”  He closed his eyes and tried to turn away, but Cas reached out and cupped his cheek.  His breathing grew ragged.  The heat of Cas’s body and breath was making it hard for Dean to think, but it was the gentle touch on his face which was breaking down his final barrier.  He wanted to push the angel away even as his body craved more.  “Oh, fuck,” he said breathlessly.  His mind was such a mess he failed to register they were moving until the back of his knees hit the bed.  Sitting down heavily, he instinctively reached out for Cas.  Some part of him was desperate to maintain contact.  “Cas, please.”  Dean had no idea what he was asking for, but that didn’t stop him from pleading with the angel.  A heavy silence settled over them, broken only by the rustle of the sheets as Cas maneuvered Dean further onto the bed.  The angel leaned over him, kneeling between Dean’s legs.  An ache deep inside of Dean took over.  A need he had long buried.  A want he never let his conscious self feel.  It resided only his dreams.  As he gazed up at Cas, he saw a look in the angel’s eyes that lived only in those dreams.  His body and mind went rigid, so it took a moment for him to decipher Cas’s words.</p><p>“If you don’t want this, tell me to stop.”  Cas lowered himself over Dean, covering the length of his body without actually touching. </p><p>Dean was surrounded by Cas.  By faith and hope and love.  A war raged inside.  <em>You don’t deserve him.  He’s pure and good, and you’re tainted.  Just give in.  Let him in.  Let him love you.  </em>The last thought brought a moment of peace, and his body relaxed.  It must have been enough of a sign for Cas because the angel closed the last inch between them.  The long line of their bodies melded together.  A moment of clarity followed when Dean heard Cas wince in pain.  “Cas, stop, you’re hurt.  We-”</p><p>Running his thumb along Dean’s lips, Cas halted Dean’s protests.  “Shh.”  In the next breath, Cas’s lips replaced his thumb.  The kiss was tender, a gentle brush of lips, and over as quickly as it started.  “You don’t need to worry.”  Cas put distance between them and removed his shirt.  Slowly, he removed the bandages covering a large portion of his torso.  The flesh had somehow knitted together since the last time Dean had tended to the wounds.  “My body is healing, Dean.  I feel my grace, only my grace”  Cas’s eyes looked over his own body before trailing over Dean’s chest and up to his face.  His fingers traced the curve of his jaw.  “And I feel you,” he said, voice laced with desire. </p><p>Whatever reservations Dean had felt fled in the wake of those words, and his body took over.  He pulled Cas down on top of him.  With their hips flush, he could feel Cas’s hard length in the crease of his hip.  “Holy shit.”  A fire lit under his skin when Cas rolled his hips and captured his lips in a fervent kiss.  It was hot and wet and beyond comprehension.  The roughness of Cas’s stubble coupled with the sweep of his tongue made Dean’s cock twitch.  Cas moaned in response, shifting until their erections were aligned.  When the angel rolled his hips again, Dean arched off the bed, eyes slamming such at the overwhelming heat of his desire.  “Cas, please,” he begged.  “Clothes.”</p><p>Without hesitation, Cas lifted Dean’s upper body and removed his t-shirt, tossing it over his head.  He made quick work of Dean’s pants, but when he reached for Dean’s boxers he faltered.  “Are you sure?”</p><p>“I want this.  I want you.”  Dean’s confident tone faded as he added, “But I’ve never…I…well, I shouldn’t say never.”  Dean covered his face with his hands.  “This is ridiculous.”</p><p>“Do we need to stop?”</p><p>“No, it’s not that.  I just…don’t know how to talk to you about this shit.  I never imagined…well, I imagined, but I never thought it would…ya, know, happen.”  Dean finally uncovered his face and looked sheepishly at Cas.  His face burned with embarrassment.</p><p>Cas’s lips quirked up in a tentative smile.  “You’ve thought about us…like this.”</p><p>“More like dreamt about it.  But then you started saying all this crap about not hurting me and loving me, and I don’t know it all became so much more real.  How I felt.  What I wanted.  Don’t get me wrong, thoughts of you like this confuse the hell out of me.  I can’t believe I’m telling you this while I’m half naked in bed with you.  I mean I know I had some latent something about guys, but it was never…the way it was with you.  Is with you.  Sometimes when you look at me, I just…I’ve thought about what it would be like…I’ve touched myself there.  And I like it, a lot more than I would have thought possible.  Then I started having these dreams…and fuck they were good, like really hot.  You were…well, you…all dominant and commanding and I…”  It hit Dean how fast he was talking and how much he had managed to tell in a rambling disaster of words.  The familiar itch to flee returned, but Cas’s body was encasing him, pressing him firmly into the mattress.  The heat between them still resonated, and he was shocked his arousal had not flagged during his confession.</p><p>“Dean, please look at me.”  When had he stopped wondered Dean as he forced himself to make eye contact.  “We don’t have to rush this.  I’ve waited years to feel you under me.  To hear…You are all I’ve ever wanted, Dean.  The light you bring to my life.  The desire you stoke in me.  It is not angelic, but it is pure.  The greatest reflection of my time on earth.”  Cas brushed his fingers under Dean’s left eye.  “Don’t.  I see you preparing your arguments, but don’t.  This is my truth and you don’t get to deny me of it.  I love being on earth.  I love what I have learned.  I love you, and I would like to show you just how much.”  The last phrase was punctuated with a sensual roll of Cas’s hips.</p><p>Dean had no more words, so he nodded.  Cas was an uncontrollable storm, and Dean lost himself in him.  The last of his clothes were gone, and he watched mesmerized as Cas removed the remainder of his.  He was beauty and power all wrapped up in the best friend he ever had.  Their bodies moved as one, sliding against each other in friction and heat as Cas took them both in hand.  Dean marveled at the man above him.  His angel lost in passion.  There was none of the fumbling Dean’s dreams had provided.  They fit like two puzzle pieces, made for each other, and it was as if that perfection bled away all their nervousness. </p><p>The muscles in Cas’s back undulated under Dean’s hands.  They were both slicked with sweat, and his hands ran easily down Cas’s lower back until they reached the swell of his ass.  Cas inhaled sharply, thrusting his hips down forcefully.  His cock slid between Dean’s thighs, brushing his balls.  The heat of Cas’s hard length was a new and surprisingly welcome sensation against his sensitive skin.  “Oh shit, that feels good.  Do that again.”  Dean cried out when Cas rolled his hips before lifting and thrusting down again.  Cas swallowed Dean’s next moan when he covered Dean’s mouth with his own, sweeping his tongue inside.  The angel kissed like a whirlwind.  All teeth and tongue, nipping at Dean’s flesh.  Dean pressed back into the kiss, matching Cas’s intensity.  When they finally came up for air, Dean was panting heavily and leaking profusely.  He realized in that moment what they were doing was not enough for him.  He needed more.  Part of his body was aching with want, with a need to be filled.  “I need you, Cas.  Goddammit, I need it,” Dean said, spreading his legs in invitation.</p><p>A wicked grin crossed Cas’s face, and his body shuddered with naked desire.  It was one of the hottest things Dean had ever experienced, and he whimpered in response.  “In my bag, please, now.”  Cas was off the bed and back in a heartbeat.  Slick fingers ran along Dean's thigh as the angel climbed back onto the bed. </p><p>“Tell me what you want Dean.  I need to hear it.”</p><p>The deep grit of Cas’s voice made his cock twitch with a new wave of arousal.  “Touch me.  Fill me.”  Before Dean even finished speaking, he felt the faintest touch run along his crease.  It felt different than his own hand, more intense.  The touch grew firmer as it neared his entrance.  Cas traced his finger around the sensitive skin.  Dean’s body reflexively clenched, and the angel groaned in response. </p><p>“So beautiful,” whispered Cas as he pressed the tip of his finger inside.  “So, hot.”  From there, Dean lost all coherency.  The feel of Cas’s long fingers inside of him and the heat of his mouth around Dean’s cock took his breath away.  He rolled down onto the fingers, needing them deeper, before thrusting up into Cas’s mouth.  The angel refused to back off no matter how hard Dean slammed into his mouth.  When Cas finally pulled off, Dean almost screamed in frustration.  He needed to come, but a small voice in his head whispered his true desire, <em>Cas, want your cock</em>.</p><p>“You want my cock,” asked Cas between thrusts of his fingers. </p><p><em>Shit</em>, Dean thought.  <em>I said that out loud</em>.</p><p>“Yes, you did.”</p><p>“Fuck,” said Dean.</p><p>“That is the idea,” chuckled Cas, lips brushing Dean’s ear.</p><p>A strange feeling filled Dean, and he found himself saying, “Who are you?”</p><p>“The angel who is about to fuck you.”</p><p>“Oh, okay,” stuttered Dean.  “Want that.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Dean had no inkling of how he could still think with Cas’s fingers rubbing over his prostate, but he managed to say, “Cocky bastard.”  That was the last clear thought in his head, and the last intelligible words he said.  As Cas removed his fingers, the blunt head of his cock rubbed against his crack.  The heat and pressure were overwhelming as Cas entered him.  There was a hint of pain until his body gave into the intrusion, opening and welcoming the rest of Cas’s hard length.  Dean’s cock leaked and hardened between them when Cas bottomed out. </p><p>
  
</p><p>The angel waited for a fraction of a second, but Dean’s body was impatient and it rolled up against Cas.  There was no waiting after that.  Cas pulled out and thrust back in, fully seating himself again.  He kept up that sinuous pace for several minutes until Dean was practically keening.  Only then did Cas increase the power and speed of his thrusts.  Rolling his hips and rocking his body into Dean’s with precision until he was too lost in his own need.  Dean felt the shift as Cas’s movements grew erratic, and he started moaning in Enochian.  The sound of Cas’s deep voice punctuated by a sharp hit to his prostate was all it took.  Dean tipped over the edge.  His cock spasming between them as his orgasm washed over him.  A second wave crested as he slid through his own release against the tensing muscles of Cas’s abs.  Just as he came again, Cas’s body locked up over him, and he buried his cock deep inside of Dean.  Even through the condom the heat of the angel's orgasm filled Dean, and the heavy weight of his body collapsed on top of him.  None of it was an experience Dean had ever had before, and yet it felt like coming home.  There was safety in this space.  A feeling of bliss and peace even as his body quivered with the aftershocks.  The feeling only increased as Cas tenderly kissed his collarbone and his neck.  His lips skimmed his jaw and then finally settled on Dean’s lips.  The tired kiss they shared was filled with so much emotion Dean could no longer contain his tears.</p><p>“Oh, Dean,” Cas whispered as he pulled back to look at him, reverence in his gaze.  No one had ever looked at Dean that way.</p><p>“Cas, I…that was…I…”</p><p>“It’s all right.  You don’t have to-”</p><p>Dean shook his head, irritated with his inability to express himself.  “No, that’s just it Cas, I do.  I need to.”  Cas brushed the sweat off Dean’s forehead and kissed the corner of his mouth.  There was compassion and love in the gentle touch.  It was enough for Dean to kick aside his fears.  “I…love you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The remainder of Dean’s blissful feeling faded quickly in the face of his confession.  He shied away from Cas’s touch and felt the blood leave his face.  An inordinate sense of dread swallowed him down, and he had to look away.  Cas’s eyes bled with concern and hints of despair, and Dean had caused it.  Wanting to fix it but having no idea how, Dean slid an inch closer to Cas, still keeping his eyes averted.  Cas sighed heavily, and Dean could feel the angel’s desire to touch and comfort but he never made a move to do it.  Seconds later, Cas rolled away.  Dean expected him to leave the bed, but he stayed, tucked under the blanket near the edge, as far from Dean as he could get.  “Cas, I wish this was easier for me.  I wish I wouldn’t push you away.”</p><p>“Then don’t.”</p><p>“It’s not that simple.  This…what we have is so out of my depth I don’t know how to handle it.  I’ve never wanted…I never had this before.”</p><p>The angel rolled over to face Dean.  When their eyes connected, he said, “But you did…with Lisa.”</p><p>Dean was not surprised in the slightest that her name came up.  Thoughts of her had surfaced after Cas’s unconscious confessions.  “I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong.  What I had with Lisa was forced.  It was something I hoped I could have.  Something Sam wanted for me, so I tried to make work, but it didn’t.”</p><p>“I saw you.  I saw you smile and laugh with her.  I saw how much you cared for Ben.  There was a peace around you I have rarely seen.”</p><p>“I told you once that peace is not enough.”</p><p>Cas smirked, “I believe you said I could shove it up my lily-white ass.”</p><p>Sliding closer, Dean smiled.  “And I stand by that.  The year I was with Lisa and Ben I was living someone else’s life, Cas.  Maybe one day, long ago, I could have been happy living the apple pie life, but that ship has sailed.  There is too much blood in my life, on my hands.  There is too much pain.  You said I was at peace, but inside a war was raging.  I felt guilty for not hunting, for ditching Bobby, and mostly for not trying to get Sam out of the cage.  I wondered what the hell you were doing, knowing you defied heaven.  I worried about it all.  So, maybe there were moments of satisfaction, but I was lost in that world.”  Cas stared at him with a look of contemplation and a shadow of remorse.  The last look hit Dean, and Cas’s words came thundering back.  “What do you mean, you saw?”</p><p>Ducking his head, Cas answered, “Before I made the deal with Crowley, I came to see you.  I was a bit lost myself that year, and I wanted to talk to you, but you were out, Dean.  I could not drag you back in, you deserved to be free of it all.”</p><p>“Can I ask you something, Cas?”  The angel nodded as best he could with his head buried in a pillow.  “Why did you come to Lisa's?”</p><p>“Because you were the only person I trusted.”</p><p>“I know you said you left because you wanted me to be free, but I want the truth.  Why did you leave without talking to me?”</p><p>Cas’s head snapped up, and his blue eyes fixed on Dean.  “That is not an easy answer.  I was utterly confused.  I was in this fight with Raphael, desperate to stop another apocalypse.   Sam had sacrificed himself, you had let him go, and I couldn’t let those sacrifices be for nothing.  And…I needed to protect you because I loved you.   I may not have understood exactly what that meant back then, but I knew it was real and true.”</p><p>“You loved me way back then.”</p><p>“I knew I loved you after the nightmare with Alistair.  Seeing you in a hospital bed, denigrating yourself, sadness permeating your very core, I wanted nothing more that to crawl in that bed with you.  I wanted to hold you and comfort you.  Touch you.  Wipe your tears away.  Those thoughts are almost as foreign to an angel as doubt is.  But then I was always strange and improper for an angel.”</p><p>The sincerity in Cas’s eyes and the blatant honesty made Dean desperate to touch.  He reached out and pulled Castiel closer, snuggling up against his chest.  “You are the best kind of angel.”  Running his fingers along Cas’s jawline, Dean said, “Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>With a huff, Cas said, “Why didn’t you tell me?  You certainly knew more about this than I did.”</p><p>Sighing, Dean dropped his hand and sought out Cas’s, intertwining their fingers.  “Fuck, there are a whole ton of reasons.  Being interested in guys isn’t exactly accepted in the hunting community.  It sure as fuck wasn’t something I wanted my dad to know, no reason to test those waters.  The first time I caught myself looking at a guy that way, I panicked.  After that, I tried to bury it.  Liquor and women helped with that, but it was always there.  Like when I watched porn and was more interested in the guy than the girl.  I let myself explore that after Sam left for Stanford and Dad took off.  Figured I was alone so who cares.  I thought a little private sexual exploration was all it would ever be, and then you came into my life.  Yeah, you fucked that up.”  Smiling, Dean squeezed Cas’s hand.</p><p>“I feel like I’m supposed to say sorry.”</p><p>“Nah, can’t change who I am.  Believe me I tried.”  Leaning forward, Dean planted a kiss on the angel’s forehead.  “I realized it was all pointless anyway the moment I understood I was in love with you.”  Dean closed his eyes, lost in the bittersweet memory. </p><p>Long fingers ran through Dean’s hair and cupped his cheek.  “Dean?”</p><p>“It was a shit time to figure it out.  You were standing in that damn circle of holy fire.  I didn’t want to believe you were working with Crowley, and it tore me up when I finally let myself accept it.  It felt like I was shattering into a million pieces.  That’s how I knew I loved you.”  A heavy silence settled over the room until a pained sound escaped from Cas.  “No, no, no, Cas.  Don’t focus on the thing with Crowley.  I’ve made my peace with what you did.  I’ve had to make similar choices, so there is no way I should condemn you for making a hard choice.”</p><p>“But -”</p><p>Dean lifted Cas’s hand and placed a kiss on his palm.  “That is not what matters.  What matters is that I loved you through it all.”</p><p>“And I have loved you.  I wanted to tell you so many times, but I was afraid.”</p><p>“Join the club.  This…”  Dean gestured between them.  “…is intense and scary, but I want it.”  The smile on Cas’s face was mesmerizing, and Dean drowned in it for several heartbeats before he leaned forward and kissed the angel.  There was no heat in the kiss.  It was tender and loving, and Dean sighed into it before slowly pulling away.  As he went to speak again, his stomach growled loudly. </p><p>Sliding out of Dean’s arms, Cas climbed out of bed.  “Are you coming?”</p><p>“Not anymore.”  Cas wrinkled his brow and groaned.  “Oh, come on, angel.  That was a good one,” Dean said as he hurried after Castiel.  When he caught up, he bumped his shoulder into Cas, enjoying the sardonic smile he got in return.  “Ya’ know, your surliness is one of the things I love about you.”</p><p>“And I love your lame attempts at humor.” </p><p>Dean broke out in laughter, and Cas soon followed.  It was such an improbable sight that Dean felt his heart lurch.  He pulled Cas into a tight hug.  “I love you.”  It was easier to say, but it still flustered him, so he immediately started fussing over the mess on the kitchen counter.  When he finally looked up, he saw Cas standing at the bank of windows, head raised, eyes shut.  Dean understood Cas was giving him space.  Sometimes the angel knew him better than he knew himself.  Smiling, Dean returned to cooking.  With the table set and the food plated, Dean approached Cas.  He wrapped his arms around the angel, resting his chin on Cas’s shoulder.  “Foods ready.”  Cas leaned back against Dean’s chest, letting the hunter take his weight.  Dean buried his nose in Cas’s neck.  “Feels good.”</p><p>“Hmm…feels like home,” whispered Cas. </p><p>Dean let himself revel in their closeness until his hunger made itself known again.   “I didn’t realize how late it was getting.  Um…guess we should eat,” he said as he looked at the moonlight reflecting off the newly fallen snow. </p><p>Cas turned in his arms and ran his hands up Dean’s chest.  “I would like that.  What are we having?”</p><p>“Just some sandwiches and chips,” Dean responded sheepishly.</p><p>Taking his seat, Cas eyed the table.  “There’s a lot more here than just sandwiches, Dean.”</p><p>“Well, you need to get your strength back, and I was starving after…”  Dean felt his cheeks darken with a deep blush. </p><p>Cas grinned, bright and beautiful, and Dean couldn’t look away.  “Dean,” Cas said, snapping Dean out of his trance, “Eat.”  Dean barely registered the taste of the food as he ate.  His mind solely occupied by the angel seated next to him.  Their legs brushed under the table, and every few bites Cas would run his hand along Dean’s arm, as if saying thank you through touch.  The moans Cas unleashed when he tasted a new food item were the worst, or the best, depending on how Dean thought about it.  After a particularly loud moan, Cas squeezed Dean’s arm and raised an eyebrow.  “You’re staring, and you seem to have forgotten all about personal space.”</p><p>Looking down, Dean noticed he was teetering at the edge of his chair, crowding into Cas, practically falling into his lap.  He tried to pull back, but Cas halted his movements with a simple firm touch to his bicep.  They both looked at the placement.  Remembering Cas’s handprint, burned into Dean’s skin like a brand.  Dean covered Cas’s hand with his own.  “I missed it after you healed me.  Thought about asking you to put it back.”</p><p>“We’re still bonded even without the mark.  Just in other ways.”</p><p>“Now, in even more ways,” whispered Dean as he rested their foreheads together.  After taking a deep breath, he put some distance between them and started cleaning off the table.  Cas joined him in the kitchen to help wash the dishes.  “I should probably call Sam.  He needs to know you’re up and about.” Cas nodded but didn’t say a word or make eye contact.  “All right, out with it,” said Dean.</p><p>“I didn’t say anything.”</p><p>“I know, and you won’t look at me.  That’s how I know something’s up.  What is it?”</p><p>With a backward step, Cas grabbed the dish towel and dried his hands diligently.</p><p>“Quit stalling and just tell me.”</p><p>Cas’s eyes shot to the ceiling as he dropped the towel onto the counter.  “What are you going to tell him?  About us.”</p><p>It was Dean’s turn to take a step back.  His mind raced with the best way to answer the question, but he rejected all the possibilities.  “I have no idea,” he finally blurted out.</p><p>“So, you want to keep this a secret like you kept your sexuality a secret.”</p><p>Dean chuckled drily as his shoulders slumped, and he leaned against the counter.  “Pretty sure he knows about the whole guy thing.  We’ve practically been living out of each other’s pockets for years, and I’m not that good at hiding my porn.”</p><p>Settling in next to Dean, Cas said, “But you’ve never talked about it.”</p><p>“Never talked about it with anyone until today.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t, Cas.  And no, I don’t want to keep us a secret.  I couldn’t live like that, and you deserve better than that.”  Dean turned to face Cas, wrapping his arms around his waist.  “I will tell him, but I want to do it in person.”</p><p>Cas dropped his eyes and ducked his head.  “Does that mean we are leaving?”</p><p>“Do you want to leave?” asked Dean.  Castiel fidgeted, pulling at Dean’s shirt and shifting his weight from foot to foot.  His behavior reminded Dean of when he took Cas to a brothel.  “Why are you acting nervous?  Haven’t seen you like this since the whole Chastity debacle.  You certainly weren’t behaving this way earlier.”</p><p>Laying his head on Dean’s chest, Cas giggled.  Bad ass angel of the lord fucking giggled, and Dean had no idea how to react to it, so he just ran his hands along Cas’s back.  When Cas finally stopped laughing, he said, “Yes, well, that night I was a bit out of my depth.  With you it’s different.  I know you.  I trust you.”</p><p>“Then why the nerves now?”</p><p>Cas lifted his head and stared Dean in the eye.  With some of his angelic confidence returning, he demanded, “I want to stay.” </p><p>Dean shrugged.  “Then we stay.  I’ll call Sam and let him know the plan.  Do you mind if he joins us in a few days?  The place is booked for the next week, and I’m sure he wants to see you for himself.  Besides, he probably needs a rest, too, after I worked us non-stop the last month or so.”</p><p>“Of course, Dean.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay, I’m gonna go call him.”  With a quick kiss to Cas’s cheek, Dean took off down the hall to get his phone.  Sitting on the bed, he stared at the phone in his hand for a few seconds before making the call. </p><p>“Dean is Cas all right?”</p><p>“Hello to you too, Sammy.”</p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“Nah, I get it.  And yes, he’s okay.  He woke up earlier, and his chest wounds are healed.  Um…we…ah…are planning to stay here since the place is booked anyway.  Wondered if you’d want to come in a few days.”</p><p>Sam was quiet.  Too quiet, and it unnerved Dean.  Just as he went to fill the awkward silence, Sam said, “Sounds good.  I’m a few days out.  I could leave tomorrow morning and get there the next night.  If that works for you?”</p><p>Irritated for some unknown reason, Dean snapped, “Why wouldn’t it?”</p><p>“Ah…no reason.  So, I’ll see you guys in a couple days.”</p><p>“Okay.  See ya.”  Dean hung up quickly and jerked his head toward the door when he felt the telltale signs of someone watching him.  “Oh, hey, Cas.  Sam says he’ll be here the day after tomorrow.”</p><p>“It will be good to see him.”</p><p>“Yeah.”  Dean smiled at Cas, but the angel didn’t move.  “You can come in,” Dean said as he patted the spot next to him.  Cas crossed the room, but instead of sitting next to Dean he dropped to his knees in front of him.  “Whatcha doing, Cas?”  Without a word, the angel placed his hands on Dean’s thighs and rubbed gently.  “Thought you’d be tired.” </p><p>“Hmm…”</p><p>“Not sure what that means.”</p><p>Cas smiled up at Dean, shifting his hands to Dean’s hips.  “I am tired, but I would very much like to undress you and lay in this bed with you with nothing between us.” </p><p>“Okay, we can do that,” said Dean, breathing heavily.  Cas’s hands slid up Dean’s chest.  Slowly, methodically, the angel removed Dean’s clothing and then did the same to himself.  Dean was content to watch from his position on the bed, enthralled as each new patch of skin was exposed.  As Cas took off his boxers, Dean reached out his hand.  “Come to bed, Cas.” </p><p>Slipping his hand into Dean’s, Cas climbed onto the bed and slid under the covers.  “Roll over, Dean.”</p><p>“Are you making me the little spoon?”</p><p>Cas rolled his eyes.  “If that means I’m going to hold you, then, yes.” </p><p>A part of Dean wanted to protest, but the other part wanted Cas’s arms around him.  He wanted the angel’s breath on his neck, and his body nestled up against his back.  With a quick peck on Cas’s lips, Dean rolled over, pulling Cas’s arm around his waist.</p><p>“You like this,” stated Cas without a hint of question.</p><p>“Shut up.”  Warm laughter greeted Dean’s words, and then he felt the brush of lips on his neck.  “Love you, Cas.”</p><p>“I love you, too, Dean.”</p><p> </p><p>For two days, Dean and Cas basked in their privacy and relaxation.  The first day they curled up in front of the fire and talked before venturing outside.  Dean laughed at Cas’s attempts to make a snowman which resulted in a wild snowball fight.  “It’s not fair.  Stop using your angel mojo, jackass,” Dean yelled.  “Yeah, that didn’t work,” Dean muttered as Cas pelted him again and again.  Soaking wet and exhausted, Dean surrendered.  The smile on Cas’s face and the long shower they shared made the whole episode worth it.  After lunch the second afternoon, Dean pulled out a pile of board games and a deck of cards.  Cas was relentless at cards, and Dean ended up chucking the whole deck at him while the angel grinned smugly.  Cas wasn’t much better when he won a board game.  “Never expected you to be a gloater.”</p><p>“And I didn’t know you were a sore loser,” Cas said as he grabbed Dean and tackled him to the ground.  Dean ground his hands into Cas’s sides, smug in his own right, when the angel laughed uncontrollably.</p><p>“And I didn’t know you were so ticklish.”</p><p>“Dean stop, stop…”  Cas’s voice trailed off as he burst into another hysterical fit of laughter.  The whole situation made Dean smile, especially the fact that with Cas’s angelic strength he could easily stop Dean if he wanted.  When Cas was gasping for air, Dean finally relented.  Cas immediately rolled them over and pinned Dean, stretching the hunter's arms above his head and holding his wrists in one hand.  “Now what are you going to do.”</p><p>In lieu of answering, Dean launched himself forward and kissed Cas hard and fast.  All else was forgotten when Cas returned the kiss with equal force.  Before Dean could even process it, his clothes were gone, and Cas was swallowing his rock-hard cock.  “Warn a guy, would you,” Dean said as his body jackknifed off the floor.  Blue eyes flashed at him, dark with desire and filled with mirth.  Cas’s deep chuckle reverberated up Dean’s cock and through his body.  “Holy fuck, angel.  I’m gonna come if you keep that up.”</p><p>Cas pulled off with a frown.  “That’s the idea, Dean.”</p><p>“No, no, not like this.  I’ve waited years to be fil-” Dean squawked as Cas yanked him off the floor and up into his arms.  Automatically, Dean wrapped his legs around the angel.  He only released them when Cas went to drop him on the bed.  His entire body vibrated with anticipation.  “Hurry, Cas.”  Fingers were at his entrance almost before he finished speaking.  It was quick and dirty and everything Dean needed in that moment.  He rocked his hips, begging for more. </p><p>“Ready?” asked Cas.</p><p>“God, yes.”  The pressure was intense, and Dean clung to Cas as he threw his head back in pleasure.  After Cas pulled part way out, Dean searched out his gaze.  He nodded at the angel, opening his legs wider.  It was all the invitation Cas needed.  He pounded into Dean relentlessly, and all Dean could do was hold on for the ride.  Moaning and keening when Cas hit his prostate.  He wanted it to go on forever, but his body had other ideas.  His orgasm slammed into him without preamble, and he came untouched for the first time since he was a teenager.  “Cas,” he cried out, digging his nails into the angel’s back.  Cas’s body locked up as he thrust deep inside of Dean and filled him with his release.  When coherency returned, and Dean felt cum leaking out of his hole, he whispered, “That’s going to take some getting used to.”  The sensation disappeared as the warm feeling of Cas’s grace flowed through his body.  “You didn’t have to do that.”</p><p>“I know, but I’m the one who forgot the condom.” </p><p>Dean closed his eyes as Cas laid down next to him and pulled him close.  “Need a nap.”</p><p>“I’ll watch over you.”</p><p>“Okay,” sighed Dean as sleep took him.</p><p> </p><p>Warm, firm hands shook Dean’s shoulders.  “Wake up.”  Still heavy with sleep, Dean resisted, curling into Cas’s heat.   “Dean, wake up.  Sam is going to be here soon.” </p><p>At those words, Dean’s eyes snapped open, and he bolted upright.  “Shit, shit.  What time is it?’</p><p>Cas ran his hand through Dean’s hair, soothing him.  “He won’t be here for another two hours.”</p><p>Flopping back down, Dean took a deep breath.  “We need to get cleaned up and wash these sheets.  This room reeks of sex.”</p><p>“I think it smells wonderful.”</p><p>Dean scoffed, “You would, ya’ weirdo.”</p><p>“I’m your weirdo, so what does that say about you.”</p><p>Dean rolled over on top of Cas.  “It says I’m fucking smart.”  Hopping off the bed, Dean whacked at the angel’s leg.  “Now get up and strip this bed.”</p><p>“You know I could just mojo it clean.”</p><p>“No, you’re not doing that.  Save your grace for shit that matters,” Dean sniped as he yanked the covers off the angel.  After Cas got off the bed, they stripped it bare, and Dean went to start the washer while Cas went to take a shower.  Dean debated for all of two seconds before joining the angel.  “I could get used to this,” he whispered, lips pressed to Cas’s ear.  “I wish we had more time.”</p><p>“Me, too,” sighed Cas. </p><p>A few minutes later they stepped out of the bathroom to the sound of a car door slamming.  “Fuck, leave it to gigantor to be early.”  As he rushed to pull on clothes, his eyes opened wide in panic.  “My clothes are all over the living room.” </p><p>“Dean, whether he sees those clothes or not, he’s going to figure it out.  It’s pretty obvious we’ve only used one bedroom.”</p><p>Tripping over his pants as he pulled them on, Dean said, “Close all the doors,” as he ran from the room.  When he reached the main room, he heard Sam stomping up the stairs.  Kicking his clothes out of sight, Dean turned to face the door.  “Heya Sammy,” he said much too cheerfully when the door swung open. </p><p>“Dean.”  Looking over Dean’s shoulder, Sam added, “Hi Cas.” </p><p>“You’re early,” said Dean, irritation bleeding into his tone.</p><p>Sam stepped into the cabin and did a quick assessment before responding.  “Well, you were acting shifty on the phone.”</p><p>“I was not.”</p><p>“Yes, you were.”  Sam gave Dean a challenging look.  “So why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”</p><p>This was not how Dean pictured this moment, and the shock of it all had his anxiety skyrocketing.  His gaze shifted frantically between Cas and his brother.  The worried expression on Cas’s face gave him pause, and all he wanted was to make it disappear.  Taking a deep breath and steeling himself, he looked at Sam.  “I need to tell you something.  Um…so I’m kinda into guys.”</p><p>“That’s not really news, Dean.”</p><p>“Sam, shut up so I can say what I need to say.”  After Sam nodded, Dean balled his hands into fists.  “I’m kinda into one guy.”  Dean heard the rustle of fabric and felt the heat of Cas’s body as the angel closed the distance between them.  Reaching over, Dean took Cas’s hand in his.  Blue eyes locked on green ones as Dean finished, “Cas and I are together.”</p><p>“Shit, Mom and Jody were right.”</p><p>“Mom and Jody?  What were you doing with Mom and Jody?”</p><p>Sam shook his head and laughed.  “After Wisconsin, Mom and I went to see Jody.  And when I told them you were acting all weird on the phone about staying here and wanting a few days, they gave each other one of those knowing mom looks.  They bet me you two had gotten together.”</p><p>“Wait, Mom thought…”</p><p>“She said it was impossible to miss.  The first time she saw you two hug and you melted, her words, into Cas’s arms, she knew.”</p><p>“And Jody.  How the hell would she know?  She’s hardly seen us together.”</p><p>With a huff, Sam said, “Jody guessed because of your obsession with calling Cas and fretting, once again her words not mine, when he didn’t call you back.”</p><p>Tugging Cas closer, Dean planted a kiss on his temple.  “After they told you all that, why would you take the bet?”</p><p>Dropping his bag to the floor, Sam slumped his shoulders and frowned.  “Those hustlers waited until after I made the bet to fill me in.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Sam,” said Cas gravely, even as his lips quirked up in a smile. </p><p>Dean burst out laughing.  “I’m not sorry in the slightest.  That’s what you get for betting on my life.”  The ease and humor slowly faded when Sam remained silent.  Worry started to creep in making Dean sound tentative when he asked, “You okay with this.  With us.”</p><p>“Dean don’t worry.  Of course, I’m okay with it.  Cas is family.  I just feel a bit stupid for not figuring it out.  Because once they started talking about it, I realized how blind I was all these years.”</p><p>Walking over and patting his brother on the shoulder, Dean said, “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t know how Cas felt until now.”</p><p>Sam chuckled.  “Well, then, you were just as much of an idiot as I was.”</p><p>Tracing his eyes over Cas, lingering on his lips, Dean groaned, “No shit.  We could have been doing -”</p><p>“Dean,” admonished Cas just as Sam whined, “Gross, Dean.”</p><p>“Bunch of babies.  Can’t talk about the best sex of my life…” Dean muttered as he picked up Sam’s bag, slung it over his shoulder, and headed toward the guest room. </p><p>He pulled up short when Cas said, “Dean, need I remind you that you were adamant we wash the sheets so the place didn’t reek like sex and rushed to dress so Sam wouldn’t know we were in the shower together.  And then you demanded I shut the bedroom doors, so he wouldn’t know we shared the master bedroom.”</p><p>Over his shoulder, Dean stared at the angel and then shifted his gaze to his brother.  Sam was covering his ears and humming.  “I think we broke him,” Dean said gesturing at Sam.</p><p>“He’ll be fine.  Just stop talking about the best sex of your life in front of him,” smirked Cas.</p><p>“But I should keep talking about it in front of you, right, angel?”</p><p>“Most assuredly.”</p><p>Dean and Cas stared at each other until Sam said, “Yeah, no idea how I missed it when you look at each other like that.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, I love him.”</p><p>Sam’s <em>aww</em> faded into the distance as Cas stepped over to Dean and cupped his face.  “And I love you.”</p><p>The flash of a light drew Dean out of his Cas haze, and he saw Sam smiling down at his phone.  “What the hell, Sammy?”</p><p>“Sorry, but I had to that was just…”  The phone in Sam’s hand dinged with an incoming test.  “Um…now I’m really sorry.  Mom and Jody are on their way.”  The phone dinged again.  “Uh…yeah, they’re bringing Claire and Alex with them.”</p><p>Dean’s body tensed as he glared at Sam, but his frustration washed away when Cas said, “Just think of it as a family vacation.” </p>
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